Monthly Archives: May 2015

Building A Stepfamily that Lasts, Part Four

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We have been exploring six building blocks to creating a stepfamily that lasts. Stepfamilies are the most complex family form. They experience unparalleled levels of stress and relational overload. Virtual strangers, armed with baggage from past disappointments and a great deal of courage, are asked to embark on a perilous journey into the vast unknown called “stepfamily.” If you are in a stepfamily, you know I am not being overly-dramatic. So the task is to survive, knowing that over 60% of those who start this journey never reach their destination. To review, below are the six building blocks to stepfamily success.

  1. Develop trust.
  2. Develop clear goals.
  3. Learn how to do conflict well.
  4. Get family members to “buy-in” to the family.
  5. Create an atmosphere of mutual accountability.
  6. Create a family identity.

We have already discussed the first two. The third step is to create an atmosphere conducive to healthy conflict. All relationships require productive conflict to grow. Many stepfamily members, however, view conflict as “bad” and something to be avoided. The truth is, most of us do not do conflict well.

We take one of two extremes—we either hide or attack.

We take one of two extremes—we either hide or attack. Healthy conflict is tough in stepfamilies because most family members bring a great deal of emotional woundedness into the family. These wounds limit their ability to listen, communicate, express needs, and in particular, to solve problems. While there are no easy solutions, families can begin by “blaming” the situation (we are a group of strangers trying to become a family) rather than one another.

Healthy Conflict Vs. Destructive Fighting

How do you create a safe atmosphere that encourages healthy conflict? It is critical to distinguish between healthy conflict and destructive fighting. Violence, name-calling, yelling, etc. will not promote family growth; neither will apathy, stuffing feelings, or passive-aggressive behavior. Healthy conflict is solutionfocused; it avoids attacking the character of others. Healthy conflict does not avoid an issue for fear of “hurting” someone’s feelings. Unless issues are addressed and resolved, we are doomed to re-visit them—over and over.

OK, how do we start? First, send the message that conflict is productive and that your family is committed to finding “good-enough” solutions. Conflict must be viewed as an opportunity to grow, not to attack one another’s character. Next, family members must be encouraged to address issues. Healthy conflict happens in a atmosphere that encourages family members to respectfully address (vs. stuff, ignore, pretend) issues. Parents must model being comfortable with conflict, and then allow other family members to engage in productive, but possibly uncomfortable, discussions. This poses a tremendous challenge for biological parents in stepfamilies, who tend to rush to the aid of their children, thus short-circuiting growth-producing dialog.

Focus on Finding Solutions

Healthy conflict plays vital role in stepfamily development—it helps us focus on finding solutions. It enhances communication, encourages family growth and sets a tone for safety and respect in the family. Become a stepfamily that will deal with issues as they arise; dare to experience the discomfort of healthy conflict. Resist the tendency to avoid issues or overprotect. Model healthy conflict in your family. Next time we will look at family buy-in. Embrace the journey.

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A Few Thoughts about Stepfamilies

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My wife Judi and I were recently interviewed by Natalie Gillespie about what it takes to be s successful stepfamily. The first thing we learned (the hard way) was that the first few years are very tough as family members try to adjust to one another and “blend” different rules and roles and routines. Stepfamily life is not for the weak of heart. If you are considering remarriage, please take the time to get prepared. Good News has a list of websites that provide stepfamily resources. So here is our list of Do’s and Don’ts for stepfamilies.

  1. Do find others to walk with you. It helps to have someone rooting from the sidelines. Too often stepfamilies isolate themselves. A great solution is to find a stepfamily support group near you.
  2. Don’t only talk about your troubles to family and friends who are not in a stepfamily situation. They may react with sympathy and agree, “You’re right” or “That’s horrible” which only reinforces yourtrauma. Other stepcouples will respond, “Yeah, I remember that; we got through that.”
  3. Do keep in mind that there may always be a certain amount of tension at stepfamily gatherings. Some children may never bond. Do the best you can, and accept whatever they can receive.
  4. Don’t take it personally, especially all you stepmoms. You are nurturers by nature, and it is hard not to love freely. However, the kids’ rejection is not a personal reflection on you. The best advice we can give stepparents is to allow relationships to build slowly. Don’t take on the “parental” or ‘disciplinarian” role too soon.
  5. Do leave a legacy of love. One of the best things you can do is aim to show all your kids what healthy love looks like. Love them as unconditionally as you can, and show them what a loving marriage relationship is. It may be the only one they see.
  6. Don’t measure your success by how well the kids relate or how much they are willing to have a relationship with you. Let your standard be that you are doing what God wants you to do for them.
  7. Do the right thing, without expectation of payment. Revel in the satisfaction of knowing you are right with Him.
  8. Don’t get into emotional “tit for tats” with your husband or wife’s former spouse. The kids get caught in the middle, and the spouse starts pulling away. Everybody loses. Learn to let go of what you cannot control and don’t allow yourself to be motivated by bitterness or revenge.
  9. Do let God work on you and your spouse. Let Him do the job of changing things. Then, share the wonderful things He has done with others! Model love, grace and forgiveness to your children.
  10. Don’t expect miracles to happen overnight. Have patience in the perfecting. God often takes His time. You have to be okay with the dynamic of waiting. Well, these are some of the lessons we learned. Perhaps you have learned others. I’d love to hear from you. In the meantime, live and love well.