Building a Stepfamily that lasts, Part Three

19 Apr, 15

Jeff Parziale Ph.D., M.Div.

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We are continuing in our series Building a Stepfamily that lasts. We recommend you reading Part One & Part Two before reading this one.

We have been exploring six building blocks to creating a stepfamily that lasts. We know that stepfamilies begin as a group of virtual strangers with little in common. Actually, stepfamilies are the combination of several “mini-families” such as a mom and her children or a dad and his children (even if they do not live with him). Ways of doing things in one mini-family may seem foreign (or weird) to another. So, the task is to combine these families into one. In my experience, this takes about four to seven years to accomplish. Below are the six building blocks to stepfamily success.

1. Develop trust among family members by creating an atmosphere where it
2. is safe to disclose and be vulnerable.
3. Develop clear family goals and identify obstacles to growth.
4. Address the inability to have healthy conflict.
5. Increase buy-in and commitment by family members.
6. Create an atmosphere of mutual accountability.
7. Create a family identity.

Last time, in part two, we learned that the foundation of a great stepfamily is trust. Why is trust so important? Without trust we cannot truly experience love. Without trust, relationships become shallow and self-serving. Without trust there is no hope or joy.

Clear Family Goals

The next building block is the development of clear family goals and the identification of obstacles to growth. The obstacles are easiest to identify. For example, few families have or even talk about goals. In stepfamilies, the biggest obstacles are unrealistic expectations and competing family systems (the mini-families we mentioned earlier). Expectations create a picture of how the family should look and act. It is unlikely that the various family “pictures” match up. Few stepfamily couples know how to move their family to a place of healthy connection. Many assume that a “nuclear-like family” will some how emerge and everyone will instantly get along and act like family. Instant family is a myth and stepfamilies never look or act exactly like nuclear families.

Few stepfamily couples know how to move their family to a place of healthy connection.

What we can do is get everyone talking. Start by asking what each member wants and needs. Listen to their stories. Give permission for frank (not disrespectful) talk. Don’t be frustrated if some members are reluctant or resistant. People open up and develop trust in their own time. Ultimately, as family members feel free to share their needs, fears and gripes, and have a sense that these things matter, discussions about family goals will become much easier. Below are a few examples of healthy goals for your family.

• • Individual personalities are valued (vs. being clones)
• • Mistakes and failures are handled with tolerance and compassion—as growth and teaching opportunities
• • There are clear family roles and rules and non-shaming fair consequences
• • Personal faith is shared and lived out
• • Family is a safe place to share emotions and work out issues
• • Care and respect for others is modeled and encouraged
• • There are no family secrets
• • Members take responsibility for their own choices and actions without blaming, mind-reading, denying or feeling victimized.

The biggest obstacle to developing family goals is the unrealistic expectations of each family member. Take the time to understand and gently confront these expectations. This is a bumpy process, but don’t be discouraged. Next time we will tackle how in part four.

Self-Deception

30 Mar, 15

Jeff Parziale Ph.D., M.Div.

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Deception’s banner is, “I’m OK, you’re nuts;” because it can’t afford to be wrong.

What is self-deception? How can you deceive yourself? Is it like telling yourself a joke and then laughing at it? Well, let’s take a look. I suspect deception is about unawareness. Deception wants to be left alone. It hides, even behind a smile. Deception could never read a book on itself, because the book would be about someone else. What else do we know about deception?

• It grows gradually over time and best in isolation.
• It doesn’t see its own reflection.
• It views life mainly through the rear view mirror; that way it can always be where it ahs been.
• Deception is self-defeating. It becomes a flat spot on a round surface of life.
• Deception practices selective listening. It collects data to validate its point. It ignores the life preserver of Truth and reaches for one called denial.
• Breaking free of deception is suicide to its own survival and its survival wiring won’t give up without a fight.
• Deception’s banner is, “I’m OK, you’re nuts;” because it can’t afford to be wrong.
• It avoids owning responsibility by focusing on other’s faults.
• Its point of view is not open to new input.
• Deception stays below the radar of personal acknowledgement. The death of deception begins with the possibility of its existence.
• You can’t convince a deceived person they are deceived unless they want to know the truth.

How do we get “deceived?”

Deception is seldom a conscious choice. Few of us wake up in the morning with the intention of violating our values or boundaries. Few, if any, have ever said to themselves, this is a good day to lie to my friends or family, to become an alcoholic, a drug addict, a child abuser, or have an affair. Yet the truth is some of us do lie, or become alcoholics or drug addicts; some of us have affairs or break our vows; some of us even abuse others.

Many of us do compromise our beliefs and values, often losing track of what is really important. We wake up one morning and wonder how life got a way from us; we question what we truly believe and have a sinking sense that what we say, do and believe may not match one another. We did not arrive at that place overnight; we got there one very small step at a time. Sometimes, but not very often, we can look back and see where we got off track. Most of the time, we do not have a clue; everything looks blurry. Self-deception is apparently rather common. Perhaps we can discover some steps in the process that can lead us away from self-deception to self-awareness and living a life consistent with our values. Self-deception is not intentional. It is likely more self-protective and the consequence of many small steps in the wrong direction. Most often it starts with a growing awareness of pain or unhappiness or unmet needs or some other negative feeling that begins the spiral away from God and our deeply held values.

God calls us to a life of pain and struggle but a life full of promise and purpose. He calls us to examine ourselves, to be honest in our estimate of ourselves, to speak the truth in love, to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, to find our life by losing it, to die to self, to love and serve one another and to not be conformed to this world. God calls us to a life of obedience, of ministry, of suffering, of struggling with profound issues that tear at the very core of our existence. Deception calls us to a life with no pain-but no growth; with no hassles—but no change; with no risk—but no transformation.

Self-deception, then, is the process of bending our values and beliefs to fit our deeply felt needs, our circumstances and our self-assumed weaknesses. Self-deception offers a cure for our weaknesses and fears. Unfortunately, the cure doesn’t work, and we are left with numbness. It strikes at the very core of who we are, what we feel, what we want from life. Five elements are involved in the self-deceptive spiral. At one time, our feet seem on solid ground, at another, we wonder how we ever got to the place we are.

Selective obedience

The first step is always to pick and chose those things we will obey. The first deception is found in Gen. 3:1—Satan deceives God’s first people and they disobey God. We are perhaps overwhelmed with the pain of childhood abuse, or failures in life or emptiness or the weight of unmet needs. We believe our needs or pain are unresolvable in our present circumstances. Our pride and stubborn will tell us that we should be in charge of our lives, we know what is best, and no one, perhaps not even God really understands.

In order to believe even the smallest lie, we must, at some point, stop believing the truth (II Tim. 4:3).

We come to believe our needs are important and deserve to be met. At first, we take only a few steps toward self-protection; a few steps toward meeting our own needs; only a few steps away from community and accountability. Besides, no one is perfect. It’s too hard. I’m not committing deliberate sin, just exploring possibilities. The door has just been cracked open. What about my needs and desires? In order to believe even the smallest lie, we must, at some point, stop believing the truth (II Tim. 4:3).

Twisting reality

To accomplish selective obedience, we must be able to see reality from our own point of view. Through selective perception, we ever so slowly and slightly bend truth to fit our goal. Our goal is to do what we want, when we want, how we want, without feeling guilty or chastised or being noticed. Often our goals are out of our awareness. We just want the pain, guilt, despair, unhappiness, loneliness, etc. to stop. We begin to believe that what we think and feel inside and outside can be slightly different. A split begins between what we present to others and what we really feel. For many, this involves turning off the shaming voices inside. For others, it seems best to keep things inside. Deception, however, grows best in the dark.

Rationalizing behavior

It doesn’t take long to begin to justify our behavior. As we replace truth with lies, our self-directed behavior makes more and more sense. With the split mentioned above, comes a lessening of emotional awareness. As my needs, goals and desires become more important and prominent, yours become less “felt” by me. I become numb to guilt and other emotions, so they no longer direct or correct my behavior. My numbness makes me insensitive to your needs as well as my own pain. I feel distant from God. My self-directed, self-protecting behavior begins to make sense to me. It seems warranted. I am self-focused. The fact that my needs, goals, desires, etc. remain unmet is my biggest reality, my chief obsession. This is the area of “shoulds” and entitlements. “I should have what I want.” “I deserve…” “I don’t deserve…” “I’ve been abused so…”

Blaming others

Once my needs are prominent and yours are no longer “felt” by me, than my focus is strictly on having my needs met. You become a “meeter” of my needs, and your value is determined by how well you accomplish this task. Any incorrect behavior on my part is attributed to you; it’s your fault. I cannot be blamed because my needs are legitimate. I am no longer responsible for my own behavior. I have erected a variety of defenses and self-protective layers. My needs and your shortcomings are my clearest view. Problems in my life are someone else’s fault. I am in such deep denial, that I can’t possibly see my role clearly.

Despair

Sooner or later the emptiness of our choices leads to a sense of numbness and eventually despair as we realize the path we’ve chosen doesn’t take us where we want to go. We wanted to eliminate the negative thoughts and feelings, the loneliness and lack of fulfillment; we also hoped to find happiness, peace, perhaps someone to love and appreciate us. Instead we found a spiritual and emotional dead end, far away from God, our loved ones and ourselves. We found the prodigal’s pigsty—where we are alone and deeply addicted and deeply depressed. The way back seems long, painful and obscure. We don’t realize yet that just knowing we are at a dead end is the beginning of life and restoration. The big questions are “How did I get here and how do I get back”.

Solutions: The journey back

When we believe lies, we are not dependent on God. The first step back is to stop and turn the other way—change direction. Fill your mind with God’s word—for His word contains words of life. Join others on the journey—know that you are not alone (actually you never were alone). The following are suggestions for the journey.

• Repentance—turning away; changing our minds and behavior, moving toward God with no thought of the outcome.
• Rigorous self-examination—ongoing process of looking inside, examining motives
• Accountability—placing myself in the hands of a few who love me yet dare to challenge and confront my behavior.
• Vulnerability—my willingness to be transparent, to allow others to see the good in me, which means they might see some bad too.
• Community—active involvement with a community of fellow strugglers
• Confession—as with most self-defeating behaviors, deception thrives in the dark
• Clear articulation of values and beliefs—walking the talk; spending time discovering what I really believe; where my true treasure is.
• Clear sense of purpose for life, including business and relationships—discovering my purpose helps channel my energy in positive directions.
• Overwhelming sense of God’s love —understanding that God delights in me, that His purpose is to love me and challenge me to live as His precious child.
• Courage—to actively embrace my pain, my needs, my disappointments, my failures and realize I can “sit with them” and not die or need to act out and move back into the deception spiral.
• Patience—this process takes time and vigilance.
• Embracing the struggle—it never gets easy or perfect.
• Giving grace—now it’s your turn to “gently and humbly restore a fallen one.”

Building a Stepfamily That Lasts, Part Two

13 Mar, 15

Jeff Parziale Ph.D., M.Div.

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Last time in Part One we introduced six building blocks to creating a stepfamily that lasts.

1. Develop trust among family members by creating an atmosphere where it is safe to disclose and be vulnerable.
2. Develop clear family goals and identify obstacles to growth.
3. Address the inability to have healthy conflict.
4. Increase buy-in and commitment by family members.
5. Create an atmosphere of mutual accountability.
6. Create a family identity.

Building Trust

The first issue to resolve is the absence of trust between family members. Trust is the foundation of a healthy stepfamily. Without trust, there is no vulnerability; without vulnerability, there is no sharing and no growth. Too many families subtly or not so subtly discourage their members from sharing, under the guise of “being nice” or because sharing is just too painful.

A culture must be created where members can share their needs, concerns, disappointments, and disagreements; in other words, a safe environment to be vulnerable.

A culture must be created where members can share their needs, concerns, disappointments, and disagreements; in other words, a safe environment to be vulnerable. Healthy trust happens when family members believe they are valued and they learn how to understand and be open with one another. In healthy stepfamilies, dialogue and interaction are welcome.

It takes courage to create an atmosphere where interactions can happen without threat of reprisal. Yes, there must be boundaries; but too often adults use boundaries as a form of control or to cover the fact that they are clueless about how to help their family become healthier and more cohesive.

Lack of interaction among family members is a sure sign of family dysfunction because trust is built though interaction. Strangers become cohesive friends and family members as they hear each others stories and learn about each person’s needs, priorities, strengths and weaknesses, hopes and fears. This happens far too infrequently in most stepfamilies. Incidentally, this kind of sharing and vulnerability must start at the top—with the adults.

Developing trust in a new stepfamily is difficult because most remarrying adults (and children) are emotionally and spiritually wounded and wounded people are extremely self-protective. Vulnerability (opening oneself up to more potential pain or hurt) sounds like a really bad idea. However, for the family to grow, family members must allow themselves to be vulnerable. Without the healthy interactions that evolve from people who learn to trust one another and be vulnerable with one another, families become stagnant, lifeless and sterile.

Sharing can be both natural and planned.

Okay, how we develop trust in our stepfamily? First and foremost, it must be intentional, viewed as a long-term goal and role-modeled by the adults in the family. A pervasive attitude that each family member is valued and important, and brings his or her own unique blend of personal traits to the family needs to be cultivated. Next, interaction and sharing is encouraged, even if it leads to conflict. Sharing can be both natural and planned. The focus should be on personal sharing. This normally begins with safe, benign information and grows to include more significant feelings and beliefs. Here are a few ideas:

• Sharing favorite stories
• Sharing favorite traditions
• Best thing that ever happened
• Expectations about the family
• Observations about other family members
• Family experiences: hiking, camping, bowling, miniature golf, etc.
• Family games, such as The Ungame, which downplay competition andemphasize disclosure
• Creating some new family traditions-to compliment not replace

Now, I ant to reinforce two critical factors: First, this is a top-down process –  adults should always go first. Second, never punish vulnerability or disclosure. Encourage sharing even if it creates some conflict. We’ll talk about how to do healthy conflict next time.

Remarrying – The Quest Continues

08 Feb, 15

Jeff Parziale Ph.D., M.Div.

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Americans are enamored with marriage-especially getting married. Nearly three-quarters of us marry by our 35th birthday. And when we fail, we do not give up. As many as half of all marriages end in divorce, but three out of four of those divorced people will marry again, typically within two years-or less!! Four out of ten marriages today involve at least one partner who has been married before.

Researchers are only slowly coming to understand the dynamics of remarriage and what it means in our society. We have a culture exploding with stepfamilies. In fact, nearly half of all American alive today are involved at some level in a stepfamily.

Remarry After Divorce

What draws so many to remarry after the pain of a divorce; especially when the statistics on remarriage as so abysmal? Some believe there is a basic human longing that drives people to marry again. To be sure, partners who have been married more than once face daunting odds: the failure rate for second marriages is over sixty percent. Yet most remarry with great optimism. “This time it will work.” “I won’t make the same mistakes this time.” Many seem to subscribe to the conventional wisdom of our culture: “Things will be different this time, I am a little bit older and whole lot wiser.”

More than half of second marriages break up within ten years

Marrying couples say they will stay that way for life; apparently a rather common conviction. Even the vast majority of Americans (81 percent) who have been divorced or separated say they believe marriage should be for life.

Nevertheless, the reality is that more than half of second marriages break up within ten years. Some researchers speculate that it may be that once a person goes through divorce, it is easier to divorce again. The fear of the unknown is removed. We know that the level of family and community support is generally lower in remarriages.

Won’t Make the “same” Mistake

Couples often enter remarriage with a mythical sense of security that they will not make the “same” mistakes again. Unfortunately, they often make a myriad of “new” mistakes. Some, for example, gravitate toward people who are similar to their previous spouses. Most “rush” into remarriage long before they are ready. Few remarrying couples truly understand why their last relationship failed.

Passion Into Staying Married

Americans are enamored with getting married, but we need to put the same passion into staying married. The reality is that marriage is actually harder the second time around, and burdened with pressures that the first marriage did not have. Juggling the needs of a new marriage, for example, along with the needs of children can be tough. Remarrying couples bring baggage (hurts, unresolved issues, etc.) into the new relationship. Stepparents and stepchildren have difficulty connecting, placing a great deal of pressure on the biological parent and consequently on the marriage. So, let’s celebrate marriage and remarriage. I urge you to put far more thought and planning into your new marriage than into your wedding. Have four to six pre-marital counseling sessions, more if you are remarrying with children. Live and love well.

I urge you to put far more thought and planning into your new marriage than into your wedding.

Dr. Jeff Parziale is the Director of InStep Ministries, which provides resources, counsel and support to singles, single parents and remarried individuals and their families.

Building Trust

01 Feb, 15

Jeff Parziale Ph.D., M.Div.

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Many stepfamilies begin life as a fractured group of wounded people. In fact, a defining characteristic of all stepfamilies is that they are born of loss. Changes are happening that make everyone uncomfortable. There is a conspicuous lack of trust. Motives and actions are suspect. Family members are disconnected; sometimes feeling like strangers. Interactions are either superficial or hostile. Members wonder, “Is this a safe place?” “Will my needs be met?” “Will I be able to interact freely with my mom/dad?” “Will I be treated differently?” Successful stepfamilies must develop an atmosphere of safety that promotes personal and family growth. When family members feel safe they will ask hard questions, confront issues and ultimately learn to trust one another. Sure, each family member brings strengths and many bring a determination to succeed. However, few have an awareness of just how wounded they are or how far away from “family” their new stepfamily really is. Even fewer have a plan to take their new family to a place of cohesion, safety and acceptance.

Successful stepfamilies must develop an atmosphere of safety that promotes personal and family growth.

Adult couples dream of doing “family” again—and doing it right this time. However, more often than not, their children do not share this dream. Most children are still adjusting to earlier changes and grieving earlier losses; many hope their biological parents will re-unite. Adults rarely think through how to include their children in this dream. They assume the children will “come along for the ride” with no need for preparation. Few adults actually allow their children to express their feelings, fears or concerns. The idea that a new stepfamily will function (at least in the first few years) like a cohesive team or family is a dangerous misconception that can place undue pressure on the family. It is dangerous because it can pressure family members, who are often virtual strangers, to “get along” instead of allowing them to go through the slow process of building relationships. False assumptions, unrealistic expectations, and unresolved issues are the trademarks of new stepfamilies. To survive and thrive, the family has to address and resolve the fact that an absence of trust exists between family members. Trust is the foundation of a healthy stepfamily. Without trust, there is no vulnerability; without vulnerability, there is no sharing or growth. Too many families subtly discourage their members from sharing, often because of the risk of conflict. For some adults, particularly those who have been wounded in the past, conflict must be avoided at all costs—even if that means the family will not grow.

Becoming A Health Stepfamily

For a stepfamily to grow and become healthy, a culture must be created where members can share their needs, concerns, disappointments, and disagreements; in other words, a safe environment to be vulnerable. Healthy trust happens when family members believe they are valued and they learn how to be open with one another. In healthy stepfamilies, dialogue and interaction are welcome. It takes genuine courage to create an atmosphere where interactions can happen without threat of reprisal. Yes, there must be boundaries and limits. However, adults should not use boundaries as a form of control or to conceal their fears or lack of skills. Skills can be learned and fears can be faced. God’s spirit can bring peace, even in the midst of fear.

Lack of interaction among family members is a sign of family dysfunction because trust is built though interaction. Strangers become cohesive friends and family members as they hear each others stories and learn about each person’s needs, priorities, strengths and weaknesses, hopes and fears. This happens far too infrequently in most stepfamilies. Incidentally, this kind of sharing and vulnerability must start at the top—with the adults.

Developing trust in a new stepfamily is difficult because most remarrying adults (and children) are emotionally and spiritually wounded and wounded people are extremely self-protective. Vulnerability (opening oneself up to potential pain or hurt) sounds like a really bad idea. However, for the family to grow, family members must allow themselves to be vulnerable. Without healthy interactions families can become stagnant, lifeless and sterile.

Developing Trust

How does a stepfamily develop trust? First and foremost, it must be intentional, viewed as a long-term goal and role-modeled by the adults in the family. An attitude that each family member is valued and important, and brings his or her own unique blend of personal strengths to the family needs to be cultivated. Next, interaction and sharing is encouraged, even if it leads to conflict. This normally begins with safe, benign information and grows to include more significant feelings and beliefs. Here are a few ideas:

• Sharing favorite stories
• Sharing favorite traditions
• Best thing that ever happened
• Expectations about the family
• Observations about other family members
• Family experiences: hiking, camping, bowling, miniature golf, etc.
• Family games, such as The Ungame, which downplay competition and emphasize disclosure
• Creating some new family traditions

Stepfamily trust is built when family members are encouraged to freely interact with one another—even at the risk of conflict. Sharing and disclosure should always begin with the adult couple. Family members must not be punished for honest disclosure. Developing healthy trust is worth the risk. Jeff and Judi Parziale actively direct InStep Ministries in Tucson, Arizona.

What Our Children Need From Us

20 Jan, 15

Jeff Parziale Ph.D., M.Div.

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Divorce is hard on children; few dispute this. The irony is that the very people who have hurt our children are the ones who can and must help them heal-that would be you and me. We hold the key to our children’s pain, but also to their healing. The problem is that we too grew up in homes that were non-nurturing and perhaps even outright dysfunctional. Consequently, much of our relationship behavior has been impacted by our own past. Poor relationship choices and divorce are symptoms of this past.

Divorce is hard on children; few dispute this.

Individuals growing up in dysfunctional homes adapt self-protective strategies to survive. Over time, a child’s view of the world and his or her definition of “normal” forms around the false perceptions that develop because of this self-protective “survival” mode. Most parents who divorce and remarry are emotionally wounded and still see life through the filter of their self-protective self. OK, here’s the punch line: until we acknowledge and work through this, we will unconsciously encourage the same self-protective mechanism in our children. The unfortunate truth is that most of us never come to identify, understand or accept our woundedness. We cannot effectively nurture ourselves and therefore we cannot give this gift to our children. Affairs or changing partners will never accomplish this-only personal growth.

Ten Areas of Growth

Let me suggest ten growth areas that will make a difference in the lives of our children. By role modeling healthy change and growth, we can impact our children and create healthier relationships for ourselves.

• First – we must develop the ability to unconditionally love ourselves and others.
• Second – we must learn the art of healthy self-care; to nourish and nurture
  ourselves.
• Third – we must replace the expectation (and fear) of abandonment with faith in
  God and in ourselves and a sincere trust in a few others.
• Fourth – we must learn to not be driven by our fears; particularly the fear of
  relationships.
• Fifth – we must transform self-doubt into self confidence, and believe ourselves as
  competent and worthy.
• Sixth – we must develop the ability to fully feel and express all our emotions
  (within limits), without guilt or shame, and become comfortable with others doing
  the same.
• Seventh – we must learn to not only tolerate but to embrace change, uncertainty
  and conflict.
• Eighth – we must live life in the present.
• Ninth – we must strengthen our ability to form genuine attachments to healthy
  people and to not fear intimacy.
• Tenth – we must discover that life has intrinsic value and that we can experience true freedom and peace. God says we are valuable just because we are.

I am convinced that the greatest gift we can give our children is to become healthy ourselves. Let’s get started. Jeff Parziale Ph.D., M.Div. is the Director of InStep Ministries.

Building a Stepfamily That Lasts, Part One

11 Jan, 15

Jeff Parziale Ph.D., M.Div.

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Stepfamilies are somewhat of an enigma in our culture. Divorce rates are higher in stepfamilies than in nuclear families, yet census data suggests that soon stepfamilies will outnumber all other family forms. Divorce rates overall are stable, hovering around 45-50%, yet marriage rates are actually dropping. Some suggest that we are losing faith in marriage—I hope not. Marriage is a great institution; not perfect, but a wonderful place to grow and share life. When marriages don’t succeed, however, most people (75-80%) remarry. The time between a death or divorce and a remarriage is also shortening; currently less than two years (less for men). Most remarriages involve children (75% or more); which means a new stepfamily is being formed.

Most stepfamilies never become as cohesive as nuclear families. Some family members never seem to “buy-in” to the new family, preferring instead to remain aloof and disconnected.

Okay, had enough dry statistics? My point is that there are a lot of stepfamilies and many of these struggle to survive. So the question is, how do we create stepfamilies that will last? How does a stepfamily become a family? A place of safety where family members feel respected, accepted and valued; a place where needs are met and members are committed to one another and to the family. Sounds impossible? You may be right. Most stepfamilies never become as cohesive as nuclear families. Some family members never seem to “buy-in” to the new family, preferring instead to remain aloof and disconnected. The high divorce rate for stepfamily marriages (55-70%) certainly provides ominous proof that many stepfamilies do not survive. In Becoming a Stepfamily, stepfamily expert Patricia Papernow says that it takes four to seven years for a stepfamily to begin to look, feel and act like a family. In fact, the first year of two of stepfamily life can be so turbulent that many families never see year four, let alone year seven. Yet more and more stepfamilies are springing up. I imagine a time will come in the near future when stepfamilies will outnumber other family forms. People continue to remarry, with all the hopes and dreams of creating family—again. If stepfamilies are to survive; specifically, if your stepfamily is to survive, what steps can you take? How can you help create a sense of family in your stepfamily? Let’s begin answering that question by examining the dynamics of a typical stepfamily.

The Typical Stepfamily Scenario

Most stepfamilies begin as a fractured group of wounded people. In fact, a defining characteristic of all stepfamilies is that they are born of loss. Changes are happening that make everyone uncomfortable. There is a conspicuous lack of trust. Motives are suspect. Family members are disconnected; sometimes feeling like strangers. Interactions are either superficial or hostile. Members wonder, “Is this a safe place?” “Will my needs be met?” “Will I be able to interact freely with my mom/dad?” “Will I be treated differently?” To answer these and other questions, the stepfamily must develop an atmosphere of safety, where individuals can ask questions, confront issues and learn to trust one another and where both family and personal growth is promoted. Sure, each family member brings strengths and many bring a determination to succeed; but few have an awareness of just how wounded they are or how far away from “family” their new stepfamily really is and even fewer have a plan to take their new family to a place of cohesion, safety and acceptance. Adult couples bring a dream of doing “family” again—and doing it right this time. However, more often than not, their children do not share this dream. Most children are still adjusting to earlier changes and grieving earlier losses; many hope their biological parents will re-unite. Adults rarely think through how to include their children in this dream. They assume the children will “come along for the ride” with no need to prepare them or sell them on the benefits of this new venture. The idea that a new stepfamily will function (at least in the first few years) like a cohesive team or family is not a dream, it’s a delusional fantasy-and a dangerous one at that. False assumptions, unrealistic expectations, and unresolved issues are the trademarks of new stepfamilies. To survive and thrive, the family must develop a strategy, a developmental plan, for moving the assembled members from being a disconnected group to becoming a healthy, fully-functioning stepfamily.

Six Building Blocks

To become a cohesive group, six inter-related issues must be addressed and resolved. I will outline them below and examine them in more detail in the next few issues.

1. Develop trust among family members by creating an atmosphere where it is safe to disclose and be vulnerable.
2. Develop clear family goals and identify obstacles to growth.
3. Address the inability to have healthy conflict.
4. Increase buy-in and commitment by family members.
5. Create an atmosphere of mutual accountability.
6. Create a family identity.

Next time, we will examine these building blocks in greater detail. Jeff is the Director of InStep ministries in Tucson, Arizona.

Kids

01 Jan, 15

Jeff Parziale Ph.D., M.Div.

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“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.” – Robert Fulghum

We tend to worry so much about what children see and experience when they are watching television or surfing the internet. But children have another view of the world. It’s the things they see and hear everyday in and around their family. We can turn the television off or limit internet use, but we can easily forget that they are more impacted by what they observe and experience in their own families. Whatever your family form-single parent, stepfamily, nuclear family or grandparent raising your grandchildren, children are observing how you respond to them, how you live, what you do in a crisis and yes, how you love. It’s the view from the back seat. Not what we hope to or want to present, but what our children see when we aren’t looking. It is the age old adage, not what is said but what is done.

Your Childhood

Take a moment and remember your own childhood. What was your view from the back seat? How did it shape you as a parent? Do you remember your parents holding hands or being affectionate? Did your mom sit close to your Dad in the front seat of the car? Did they talk or sing or laugh? Perhaps you also have some not so great memories. Many of you remember fights or arguments between your parents. Some memories are downright scary, like parents talking about divorce, or one parent leaving the house. It is not usual for us to think, “When I grow up, I want to be just like…” or “When I grow up I will never …”

Children Learn About…

Children learn about life, love and relationships by watching their parents. They tend to see their parents as one unit, working together to take care of them. The challenge of parenting is to blend differing world views and values so that the needs of the parents and children are met. Sometimes bringing two worlds together causes conflict. Even then, the best interests of our children must be Healthy parents don’t ask their children to keep secrets, or choose favorites. The task of making life work belongs to us, not to our children.

So what do your children see when you are not looking? What are they learning about life and love? Here are a few ideas that might help. Learn how to do conflict well. If at all possible, don’t fight in front of your kids. Children should never see their parents hurt one another. If you are a single parent, be prudent about dating. Don’t introduce your children to every person you date.

“See, what you are doing right now is flipping through the channels. You are going from one image to another searching for what you remember about them.”

“I hate reality television shows, but in a way it’s exactly what we create everyday for our children. We act out these images we want them to see, but it’s when you think they aren’t looking…now that’s reality!”

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The love they see
Bob Perks
You can’t pretend to love.
You can’t even fake a smile.
The things you think they don’t notice, they have been watching all
the while.

Be aware that they are seeing
everything you do.
If you want your children to know love
Then it’s really all up to you.

For love isn’t just at play time
love isn’t a TV show
If you love them unconditionally
Then love will be what they know.

It’s not what you want them to remember
it’s what they will choose to see.
If you loved one another always
Then loving is what they will be.

A view from the back seat
KIDS’ VIEW: FROM THE BACK

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Marriage Quotes

1. This one is just another illustration of how we learn so young — by osmosis– how to have a smart marriage, or a not-so-smart one. I always say we learn most of it by the time we’re three or four at our parents’ knees. Some of my favorite quotes on the quotes page speak to this one — they ARE watching, learning, and trying to figure out, “how does this work?” – diane
2. The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Theodore Hesburgh
3. I talk and talk and talk, and I haven’t taught people in 50 years what my father taught by example in one week. Mario Cuomo
4. Then there was the guy who loved his wife so much, he almost toldher. Unknown
5. You win or the relationship wins. Terry Hargrave
6. People are often enamored with my Super Bowl ring. But it’s my wedding ring that I’m most proud of. And having a good marriage takes even more work than winning a Super Bowl. Trent Dilfer, Seattle Seahawks quarterback
7. Let the wife make her husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave. Martin Luther
8. How did I decide to get involved with Smart Marriages? We started asking young couples at our clinic, “Who’s marriage would you like yours to be like?” They’d answer, “We don’t know any.” Jennifer Baker

More: Marriage Quotes