Stepping Up

Volume 3 Number 9

Welcome to InStep’s monthly E-Newsletter! Each month we feature practical information for singles, single parents and stepfamilies to help you achieve healthy relationships. This E-newsletter also provides articles and resources to assist those of you who are developing or are involved in a non-traditional family ministry. Please feel free to contact us with feedback, questions or comments via our toll free phone at: 1-888-5INSTEP or email:info@instepministries.com.

National Stepfamily Day – September 16th
The first Stepfamily Day was celebrated with a picnic on September 16, 1997. Since its official inception in 2000, National Stepfamily Day has been celebrated annually on September 16th. Over the past five years, National Stepfamily Day has slowly gained recognition and popularity. On Saturday, September 16th, many will celebrate the stepfamily experience and the boundless love that is contained in the bond between parents and children, stepparents and stepchildren. Across our nation, there will be back yards and neighborhood parks filled with stepfamilies celebrating their special relationships.
Find a way to honor the stepfamilies around you. If you are part of a stepfamily, take the time to make this day a special celebration. Making a stepfamily work is seldom easy, but it is always rewarding. We want to take this moment to honor the members of our stepfamily: Jennifer, Chad, Wes, Jaimie, Jenna, Julie—and our grandsons, Jeffrey and Jayson. They are precious people with whom we have been doing life for over 15 years. We hope we bless them as much as they bless us.

One of the greatest blessings from our involvement in the Association for Marriage and Family Ministries (AMFM) is the friendships we have developed with our stepfamily and single parent ministry partners. On September 8-10, we will attend the Biannual AMFM Stepfamily & Single Parent Focus Group Retreat in Charleston, SC, hosted by Tom and Helen Wheeler of Changing Families (www.changingfamilies.com). You may have noticed that this is not an annual event, but the second retreat of the year. That should say something about how much we enjoy getting together with our partners in ministry! It also says something about what motivates all of us to give the most out of life.

In the short devotion, Giving the Most Out of Life, author John Fischer writes, “God created us to share in the ongoing creating and nurturing of His world; we were made in His image to share in his work.“ In fact, deep down inside you and me, there is a need to “leave something behind”. During the difficult years of stepfamily formation, the key factor that kept both of us motivated to work at our relationship was our desire to leave our children a legacy of love (i.e., witnessing a loving marriage that works). InStep Ministries also began out of the desire God put in us to encourage those who find themselves doing life in a non-traditional family. Not all of us are called to stepfamily ministry, but every one of us is given the desire to invest in others’ lives. Take some time to think about the legacy that you want to leave. And please, pray for our retreat--that all our partners, including those unable to attend, would be refreshed and equipped to serve the non-traditional families that cross our paths in the US and Puerto Rico.

Second Chances

“Second chances” is a common theme in remarriage. Many adults hope to get another chance at love and happiness. Those who were left, abandoned or abused, for example, hope to find someone who will love and respect them. They are working hard to recover from their feelings of rejection, betrayal or abandonment. It is often with guarded hopefulness that they re-enter the world of dating and relationships. Those that left a marriage take a different path, either dealing with crippling guilt or perhaps looking for vindication or absolution, a “second chance” to do it right. What about the children? What do they see, want and need?

For the children of these adults, “second chances” may not mean the same thing. For them, loss is the central theme of their lives. Many children never quite get over the loss of their biological family. Despite all the explanations, “This had to be done.” “We will be better off.” “Your father was hurting us.” et cetera, most children will experience the divorce as a loss. In fact, most children are shocked when they discover their parents are divorcing.

Billy is eight. His father just left. He cries most nights. He wants to see him, but he has moved to another town and hasn’t yet made contact. He doesn’t understand why. Divorce is traumatizing for children. They experience an abrupt transition from a predictable, orderly secure life to one filled with change, uncertainly, disorder and unpredictability. Their world does not feel safe anymore and their parents become less trustworthy, competent and involved. Normal routines are totally disrupted and life presents little stability. The break-up of a family does not “compute” for children, so many will assume it must be their fault. To make matters worse, most children are given very little information about a divorce and very little warning that their family was in danger of collapsing. Separation, divorce and remarriage come as a shock to most children. Their whole world is turned upside-down. People they thought would be there daily are gone.

This is the emotional state that most children are in when their mom or dad decides to remarry. Few are through the grieving process. Most are just beginning to adjust to the new single parent household and settling in to the “routine” of shuttling between two parents. So, how does a parent determine if their child(ren) is “ready” for the remarriage? Examine the following indicators. If your child or children exhibit any of these, they are NOT ready.

• They are acting out at school or at home
• New behaviors have emerged: bedwetting, hoarding food, emotionality, immaturity
• Eating or sleeping patterns have changed
• Emotional swings, shyness, withdrawal
• Child feels responsible for the break-up
• Child vocally opposes the new marriage

Here are a few tips for preparing your children:

• Take it slow; reassure them that your love will not change
• Answer their questions realistically; don’t paint a rosy, “bigger-than-life” picture
• Don’t force a new “parent” on them
• Don’t make too many changes
• Keep them connected to their absentee parent (if at all possible)
• Read Elizabeth Marquardt’s new book, Between Two Worlds.

Remember, remarriage can be a second chance for you and your children-- IF everyone is ready.

Domestic Violence Awareness
Debbie Harsh-Kightlinger, MSW

Greetings InStep Family and Friends! This month we’re going to take a quick overview of domestic violence. Fasten your seat belts….you’ll be a graduate of DV101 in a matter of minutes.

Domestic Violence is defined as "a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence." (Dr. Dean Coonrod, Domestic Violence as a Public Health Issue)

Domestic violence may be demonstrated as physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, emotional/psychological abuse, financial abuse or spiritual abuse. The goal of all forms of domestic violence is to intimidate the victim into a state of fear and psychological dependence which allows the abuser to gain complete control.

According to the National Bureau of Justice Statistics, domestic violence is the leading cause of injury for women ages 15 to 44. Domestic violence affects the same number of women as heart attacks affect men and women combined. Domestic violence is a serious health issue for men and women, with long reaching effects on all sectors of our society.

Note: Debbie is heading up our new Domestic Violence division, focusing on community awareness, education and intervention. She is available for case consultations and training workshops for churches or faith-based organizations. Please contact Debbie at 1-888-5INSTEP or InStepMin@aol.com.

STORIES WANTED!

We are beginning a new project, and we need your help! If you have a stepfamily or single parent ministry that you have started or participate in, we want to learn from you about what worked and/or what did not work. Whether you have used others’ or our resources, we are interested in hearing about your experience. Please email your stories or comments to InStepMin@aol.com and label the subject line as "ministry story". We look forward to hearing from you!

Upcoming Events

• Jeff will be starting a new series based on his book, Developing Healthy Relationships. Tucson (Sept. 16th) and Phoenix (Oct. 7th). Call the InStep office for details.
• Jeff will be speaking to the singles at Eastside Assembly in Tucson on Saturday. September 16, 2006 at 7 PM. His topic: Healing Life’s Hidden Hurts.
• Coming this fall, a training course for pastors, Preparing Couples for Remarriage (Tucson, AZ). Call 520-721-0800 for more information.
• Tucson: October is domestic violence awareness month. The annual workshop, End the Silence, Stop the Violence!, will be hosted by Pantano Christian Church on October 14th from 9:00-12:30. Presented by DVEInterFaith, the workshop provides education about domestic violence and it identifies how faith communities can respond to family violence and work to end relationship violence in their communities. Learn how your church can be a reflection of God’s transforming love by promoting healthy, non-violent families in our community. For more information, call Debbie Harsh at 520-349-4036 or 520-721-0800.

INTRODUCING: Designing a Stepfamily Ministry Workshop
InStep’s mission is to impact our culture for Christ by equipping local churches to effectively minister to the singles, single parents and stepfamilies in their congregations and communities. To that end, we have developed a seminar series based on our latest workbook project, Thirsty People Sitting at Wells: Developing a Stepfamily Ministry in Your Local Church. The workbook is designed to systematically take a ministry team through the process of developing a local stepfamily ministry. The seminar provides hands-on training in key aspects of ministry development, including team building and training, assessing needs and developing goals. Let us help you develop a ministry focus that fits the passion and mission of your church. To order a workbook or get more information on our seminar, call us toll free at 1-888-5INSTEP.

RECENT AMFM CONFERENCE ATTENDEES HAD THIS TO SAY ABOUT THE BOOK:

“I read Thirsty People Sitting at Wells from cover-to-cover, and thanks to your help, we now have a new blended family community starting this fall!”

Cheryl Hayes, M.Ed.
Christian Life Coach
McLean Bible Church, Vienna, VA

What I am the most impressed about is the step-by-step process you walk people through in developing the ministry. Not only do you provide valuable stepfamily information and resources, but you also equip leaders in program development and subsequent leadership. If you are a first time leader, developing a first program, this workbook will guide through the inception of an idea, developing a team, creating a mission statement, evaluating core values and the eventual implementation of the program. Thirsty People is an excellent book that applies to any area of ministry. Within our Family Life Ministry at Living Word, your continuum of care model has really helped us strategically develop ministry to non-traditional families. It has been a great visual aide that has helped us be more focused and intentional in our ministry. Thank you for being the vessel for the living waters…..so that thirsty people can be quenched and have hope.

Mary Kay Alpaugh
Associate Director of Parenting
Family Life Ministry

Get Involved!

• Do something in your local community to reflect the presence of Jesus.
• Join the Association of Marriage and Family Ministries (AMFM). Attend a 2007 conference (June: Charlotte, NC; July: Scottsdale, AZ). For information, see: www.amfmonline.com.
• Tucson: Stepcouple Life Group: New format— Friday nights at Pantano Christian Church. Food and childcare available. Hosted by Ron and Jayne Lowery. For information call: 520-290-1094. This group is open to anyone.
• Tucson: The kick-off for Tucson Association of Evangelicals NEW season is on Thursday, September 14th, 11:30 -1:00, at Victory Assembly of God. Associate Pastor Lisa Chastain will be speaking. This year’s theme is “Salt and Light”. Mark your calendar.
• Tucson: Single Parent Support Group at Casas Church; Tuesday nights at 7PM. For information, call Evelyn Wright: 520-878-1101.
• InStep is looking for three stepcouples to serve as mentors. Also, we are forming a team to develop a ministry to children and adolescents in stepfamilies. If you are interested, please call us at 520-721-0800.
• InStep is expanding. We have outgrown our present space and are looking for a larger facility, preferably in central Tucson. Call if you have any suggestions.
• Online Forum: Register at www.instepministries.com to participate in our new online forum! Topics include Stepfamilies, Single Adults, Single Parents, and more!