Ministry to Single ParentFamilies

Galatians 6:1-3; James 1:27-2:1
Single-parents are looking for a place to belong; a safe place to bring their children; aplace to feel accepted and wanted—without shame or rejection. They are also looking for aplace to serve. They have wonderful gifts and strengths. Single parents need to believe they can positively impact their children and equip them for life. They can feel like misfits-not comfortable in the typical two-parent family ministry program or in groups made up of young, never married college/career singles with no children. The challenge is finding a balance in understanding the single and parenting issues they face.

Demographics
•Over 30% of all families with children are headed by single parents.
•Most single-parent children live in large metropolitan areas.
•Forty-two percent of custodial parents have never been married, 38 percent are divorced; 5 percent are widowed, and 15 percent are separated.
•There are over 12 million single mother households with children under 21. The majority have no other adult in the home to help them. While most single mothers are adults; 11 percent are under the age of 25.
•Nearly 4 million children live with their fathers only. 85% of custodial single fathers maintain their own households. Over half of these fathers have at least one other adult in their homes. Forty-four percent of single fathers were divorced, 35 percent had never married, 16 percent were separated, and 5 percent were widowed. Of single fathers raising their own children, 11 percent cared for three or more children. U.S. Census Bureau
•Ninety-five per cent of single parent families do not attend church regularly. (Teresa McKenna, The Hidden Mission Field)

Issues and concerns?
•Coping with grief
•Custody and visitation
•Finances
•Discipline
•Stress

Key Needs (Larry Burkett and Brenda Armstrong)
•Obtaining affordable, quality child care.
•Obtaining an affordable, safe car; caring for the car.
•Affordable, safe housing options.
•Help with budgeting and money management.
•Education, job training, and career options.
•Affordable, quality professional services and medical care.
•Mentoring for parents and children.
•Food and clothing resources.
•Spiritual and emotional support.
•Friendships
•Time for self

Characteristics of healthy single parent homes

Acceptance of responsibility
Successful single parents accept the responsibilities and challenges of single parenting. They neither minimize nor exaggerate problems but seek solutions. They acknowledge the difficulties (e.g., lack of personal time, restricted social life, sole responsibility for meeting multiple needs, financial stress) without self-pity or bitterness.

Commitment to family
Family is the highest priority. They focus on being the best possible single parent, which often means putting the needs of the child first. They genuinely like and enjoy children, sacrificing time, money and energy for the sake of the children. They try to be supportive, patient and help children cope. Like other effective parents, they are consistent and non-punitive. This discipline style gives children choices, uses natural and logical consequences and provides structure.

Open communication
Successful single parents foster open communication. These parents encourage clear and open expression of thoughts and feelings in the family as a key to developing honest and trusting relationships.

Successful home management
Successful single parents manage the family needs well. They strive to be well-organized, dependable and work hard to coordinate schedules. They take pride in their ability to financially provide for the family, although finances still remain a struggle.

Healthy self-care
Successful single parents take care of themselves. Despite lack of time, these parents recognize that caring for themselves is important. They attempt to achieve it through physical, spiritual, emotional and/or social means.

Positive outlook on challenges
Successful single parents have a positive attitude toward parenting and life in general. They see positive aspects in stressful situation and feel that they have succeeded despite many doubts.
Other characteristics of a successful home can include creating a viable support network for all family members, verbally reassuring your children of your love for them-often, as well as having and showing respect for each other.

Successful single-parents:
•Accept their role.
•View parenting as first priority.
•Discipline in consistent and democratic manner; neither permissive nor too restrictive.
•Emphasize open communication and expression of feelings.
•Practice healthy self-care
•Develop and maintain traditions and rituals for their families.
•Work toward financial self-sufficiency and independence.
•Move forward with their lives in a positive manner.
•Manage family time and activities.
•Connect with others; have a support network.

Emotional Wounds

While there are many ways these wounds manifest themselves, five are most common.

1. Shame: feeling flawed, defective, unlovable, or worthless
2. Fear: afraid of abandonment, failure or rejection
3. Trust: either having too much and being repeatedly betrayed and hurt; or too little and living in anxiety, suspicion and isolation
4. Denial: lack of awareness, minimizing issues
5. Alienation: Isolating oneself, feeling alone, difficulty bonding with others

Emotional wounds impair family’s ability to have successful relationships. Bonding with a stepchild, for example, can be difficult, if not impossible unless wounds are addressed and resolved. The struggles a family faces are caused by emotional wounds in each adult and child.

The realities of woundedness
Emotionally wounded adults pass their woundedness on to their children by modeling unhealthy ways of coping with life. Wounded parents have difficulty setting healthy boundaries or providing consistent discipline. Due to guilt or pain, they may be over-indulgent, or over-react in anger. They will often attempt to discredit and malign a former spouse to ease their own pain or because they need their children’s approval. Wounded parents give double-bind messages to their children. “I love you, now go away.” “I’m not angry.” (with clenched fist and red face). “Always tell the truth, but like to whomever is on the phone.” “Of course I’m interested in…” (as they leave the room or busy themselves). Incidentally, most adults deny they do this.

Wounded former spouses are unable to put the needs of their children above their own. Instead they use the children to strike out at each other or to get their own needs met. Deficient at effective communication or problem solving, they rely instead on arguing, pouting, threats, manipulation, coercion, overindulgence, anger or violence to win and control.

Wounded partners trigger one another and have difficulty tolerating the other’s flaws. Instead they make unreasonable demands or blame one another for any problems. They harm each other and yet are unaware of the impact of their behavior. Blind-spots are common in areas of woundedness.

Wounded stepparents have difficulty being patient and allowing their role to evolve. Their own pain and insecurity pushes them into control or power or isolation. They operate with unrealistic expectations of themselves, their spouse and their stepchildren, which inevitably create loyalty conflicts and power struggles.

Wounded children have difficulty bridging the gaps between their parents. They become sad and isolate or they act out and rebel. Either way, they have difficulty adjusting to a new stepfamily. The illustrations are endless.

What do emotional wounds look like?
• Invisible scars caused by harmful life events; most woundedness is out of awareness
• Adaptive forms of self-protection each individual develops to cope and survive
•Toxic events of life cause these defenses to develop
•The younger a person or more obtrusive the event, greater the need for defense and the more resistant to change
•Defenses become a person’s defining characteristics
• Wounds become life-guides; drive the choice of partners, careers, or friends
• Wounded people feel “stuck” in a revolving door of poor decisions, unwanted emotions and situations over which they feel they have no control
• The feelings are very powerful; the behavioral reactions are almost reflexive
• Examples include guilt, fear, shame, perfectionism, control and addictions

Five Myths about Wounds
•My life has to be organized around my wound experiences. It defines who I am.
•Without my wound, I'd be all alone. I need my wounds to get attention or be noticed or to be okay.
•My awful and painful life means that I am sick—and therefore, not responsible.
• All emotional problems are the result of traumatic experiences. To get better, I must uncover the root.
• Some awful, horribly damaging experience must be buried deep in my unconscious. If I don't know the cause for certain, I can't get better.
• I am a prisoner by my wounds. I can't change. My situation is hopeless. Why try if changing is impossible?

Where do emotional wounds originate?
• Dysfunctional, non-nurturing families
• Abuse—physical, sexual and/or emotional
• Prior unhealthy or unsuccessful relationships
• Childhood events
• Generational issues

The impact on families
Past events can impact people in several important ways. Some will have an “emotional blind-spot,” and be extremely self-protective and sensitive in their area of hurt. There will be a strong tendency to recreate past patterns of dysfunction in their current family. This tendency allows them to create a personal “comfort zone.” Many of the dysfunctional traits outlined above will manifest themselves in a new relationship, but with no awareness; dysfunction often feels normal. That is, the tendency to self-protect and create a comfort zone is unintentional and out of awareness. Finally, there will be emotional numbness. Abusive or dysfunctional environments can render family members oblivious to their impact. Aspects of a person’s past can be re-created to replicate “normalcy.” Emotional wounds seldom become evident until they create pain, particularly relationship pain. This process and how it affects families is outlined below.

Family members:
• experience deep hurt, pain, fear or anger.
• blame someone else (seldom yourself) for their problems.
• are unable to separate out stepfamily and family issues.
• have difficulty keeping the needs of their children distinct from the needs of your marriage.
• send double-bind messages and shame their spouse, children or stepchildren and not be aware of it.
• malign former spouses, secretly hoping the children will side with them.
• seek to self-protect your fragile ego at the expense of others.
• become angry with their spouse for raising tough issues, blaming him or her for creating the problem.
• blame their stepchildren for difficulties they raise while adjusting to the stepfamily.

Denial and lack of awareness, plus the energy it takes to self-protect and deal with inner struggles can render stepcouples emotionally unavailable to their children or to one another. Wounded adults do not know their own, their spouse’s or their children’s deep emotional and spiritual needs nor do they know how to meet them.

Consequences of emotional and spiritual wounding
• Spiritual struggles are common
• Attracted to the wounds in another
• Woundedness passed on to children
• Difficulty responding to the needs of a partner
• Poor problem solving and decision making
• Pick partners that reflect aspects of their parents
• Lifetime of unmet needs
• Self-sabotaging core beliefs and expectations
• History of unhealthy relationships
• Self-absorption
• Isolation
• Seldom at peace

Suggestions to begin the healing process
1. Accept that you are wounded; acknowledge the possibility of denial.
2. Develop a loving and supportive community.
3. Ask those close to you to help you identify your area(s) of woundedness.
4. Improve the level of your self-care.
5. Strengthen your boundaries.
6. Acknowledge your woundedness to a trusted other.
7. Address your fear, guilt, shame or anger.
8. Allow yourself to grieve—take as much time as you need.
9. Work on forgiveness—start by forgiving yourself; forgiveness is a process.
10. Develop healthy relationship and parenting skills.
11. Work to resolve your past.
12. Strengthen your relationship with God—see yourself as a loved, redeemed, worthy child of God. God reminds us that His Spirit ministers to us in our weakness (Romans 8:26).
13. Join a life group or support group.
14. Seek the help of a pastor or counselor.

Strategies for Successful Dating

Love others well, just as God does.
Love doesn’t cause another to sin (Luke 17:1-2; I Cor. 8:9-13). Love considers the interests of others (Phil. 2:4). Love rejoices in truth (I Cor. 13: 6). Love encourages spiritual growth (Heb. 12:25). Agape love is unconditional, affirming love. Read Paul’s incredible definition of agape in I Cor. 13.

Stay connected to your support network
Many people want to simply find "the one.’" We need community. We have too many needs for one person to meet. Get connected, and stay connected.

Stay away from verbal foreplay early on in the relationship.
These conversations can become the central focus of your interactions, making it harder to experience other parts of your relationship.

Spend more time courting in person rather than by email or phone.
Electronic communication has an aspect of anonymity and safety. It allows for a false sense of closeness. If this is your primary mode of communication, you may feel awkward with each other in person.

Be yourself at all times.
Be clear about who you are and what you want.

Be clear from the start how you want to be treated.
It is better to know sooner how a person will respond to your boundaries and standards.

Accept your new partner as he or she is or don't engage in the relationship.
If a certain behavior bothers you but does not bother him or her, you can be sure that this behavior will continue. Accept your new partner now, rather than hoping for change, or get out.

Never expect another person to fulfill all your needs and make your life a dream come true.
You and you alone, are responsible for your needs. Other people cannot "make" us happy. If you're expecting a partner to provide you with those things, chances are you're feeling rather disappointed in others on a regular basis.

Be willing to be vulnerable and take risks in your relationships.
Playing it safe, hiding your real feelings and thoughts, refusing to show you're human—may be self-protective, but they prevent us from experiencing the true joy of being in healthy relationships.

Discover old relationship patterns.
If your past relationships have not worked out, you are at least 50% responsible. If you don't see clearly what you did to end those relationships, you are powerless to do relationships differently. We tend to pick the same types of partners over and over.

Replace your old ineffective patterns.
Most “dating” is false-self dating and will never meet your intimacy needs. Changing old patterns sounds harder than it really is. Deal with your resistance to change first. Then remember that relationships are God’s way of meeting our intimacy needs. Relating out our fullness allows us to be vulnerable and self-disclosing. New patterns of relating should include the following:

• Seeing people for who they are and not for whom you want them to be.
• Recognizing your attraction to people, understanding what you are attracted to in them and realizing that you have a choice.
• Knowing what you need and being able to assess if a potential partner is able and willing to meet your needs.
• Knowing and respecting your boundaries and communicating when they are crossed; being able to respect the boundaries of another.
• Being clear about your definition of an ideal relationship and being able to assess if a potential partner has the capacity to co-create that kind of relationship with you.
• Having a strong community and support network and a satisfying social life, one where your needs for companionship are well met.

Tell a potential partner what you want from the outset.
Share your expectations, your values, your passions and your boundaries. Great relationships involve people who share similar goals, values and expectations. Staying in relationships where these values and goals are not shared almost always ends in disaster.

Maintain your limits.
Even the best partners will inevitably do some things that will not be “OK” with you. If you say nothing, your partner will not know that his or her behavior is affecting you negatively. This will inevitably lead to unhealthy relationship patterns. Limits keep us healthy because they re-iterate our values. Boundaries also greatly enhance your ability to select the right partner. Healthy partners will respect our limits. The wrong partner will cross your boundaries fairly early into the relationship.

Practice sexual stewardship.
It is normal to experience sexual desire and even arousal. These sensations are not sinful. These are physiological responses created by God. However part of God’s design was that sexuality would not achieve full expression until marriage. Know your sexual boundaries before you begin a relationship. Respect and honor the boundaries of a partner. Address the issue up front in your relationship. Covenant to abstain from sex until after marriage. Have your support network hold you accountable (Prov. 27:17). Keep affection appropriate. Paul reminds us in Ephesians 5 to not let our love turn to lust.

Discern “emotionally” available partners.
You can learn to recognize whether a potential partner a partner will be emotionally available by listening and observing. They will communicate clearly who they are and what they are looking for. For example, if a person says he is not interested in a committed relationship, and you know you are, then he is not “available enough.” If she says she loves her life working 80-hour weeks, while you want someone with you every night, she is not “available enough.”

Sexuality and dating

In Dating, Waiting and Choosing a Mate, Norman Wright and Marvin Inmon list five advantages to not being sexual before marriage.
1. There will be no guilt over having disobeyed God’s laws.
2. There will be no fear of conceiving a child and having to decide what to do next.
3. There will not be any comparing of one’s current partner with a former partner.
4. The self-control learned by waiting will be transferable to any subsequent periods of absence from one’s spouse.
5. The pleasure of sexual satisfaction shared with only each other brings excitement to the marriage.

God wants us to see sexuality from an eternal perspective; sexuality is part of God’s design for relationship. Just as He made us relational beings, He also made us sexual beings. For most, healthy sexuality is an incredible challenge. Those looking to marry often have an abbreviated courtship period due to finances and loneliness. A strong desire for intimacy, including sexuality, often hastens a couple toward marriage. Sexuality is a gift from God that calls for stewardship and responsibility, not misuse or abuse.

Biblical truths about sexuality (Rom. 6:12; Gal. 5:16-24; Phil. 1:10; I John 2:15-16)
• Sexuality is a gift from our Creator.
• God’s standard is purity-even if that means secondary purity. We are new creatures in Christ.
• Sexuality is multi-faceted, and includes social, emotional, physical and spiritual dimensions.
• You are a steward of your own sexuality.
• God knows best when it comes to sexual boundaries.
• God has put limits on sexual expression for our good.
• Our relational and intimacy needs can be met without sex.
• Stewardship of my sexuality is a lifelong process.
• We can trust God with our lives and our relationships.

You may be struggling with your sexuality. You may be considering a sexual relationship with your partner; you may already be sexual. Perhaps you are already living with someone. You may be dealing with the consequences of childhood events such as abuse or incest or more recent trauma such as spouse abuse or rape. You may feel you hate the opposite sex or you may even hate yourself. You may have difficulty seeing yourself as a sexual being or you may be having difficulty with your sexual boundaries. Some of you may be struggling with the unfaithfulness of a partner. You may have even contracted an STD through his or her behavior.

Sexuality and understanding your own sexual boundaries are clearly important topics in dating and remarriage. In reality, sexuality is about you. My goal in writing this section is absolutely not to shame you but to inform you. God has a great deal to say about sexuality. Just as important, however, He has a lot to say about you. He loves you and wants the very best for you. I believe His ideals lead to our best possible destiny. Please review the following material and make informed choices. This is a critical area of discussion with a potential partner. Please take the time to get clear about your sexuality.

Sexuality is very personal.
God made you a sexual being. You have choices about how you will involve yourself sexually with others. This is true no matter what your past; even if you have traumatized by abuse, incest or rape. These horrible intrusions may have left you feeling ashamed and guilty. You may even hate your own sexuality, the opposite sex or even yourself. If this is the case, please talk to a caring pastor or counselor.

The decision to be sexual with a partner is a choice you should make without feeling coerced or obligated. It is a choice that should be consistent with your values. Sexual boundaries can appear vague and blurred to those who have been sexual in prior relationships. The stigma surrounding abstaining seems less urgent or less relevant. A strong desire for intimacy, including sexuality, often hastens a couple toward sex or even cohabitating before remarriage. For many, sex is a way of finding acceptance or dispelling loneliness. However, sexual contact tends to make a new relationship “feel” more intimate than it really is. Sex creates a bond, but it does not necessarily create love. Sexuality can create a false sense of oneness, which is a distortion of God’s call for a couple to become “one flesh.” Sexual contact can result in relationships that do not “fit” and partners that we would normally not choose. God made sex and He meant it to be pleasurable. He also meant it as a gift to be enjoyed in marriage. Resolve to keep your relationships non-sexual until marriage. Be clear about your values before the first date.

Intimacy is the gradual development of understanding and appreciation for another person by listening, discussing, sharing, and being mutually involved. It can exist in several realms, not just the physical. One can be intimate with a person and not physical. Dating someone who is not actively living his or her faith will result in great disappointment. Take the time to find someone spiritually compatible. (II Cor. 6:14)

Our advice is to not have sex until you are married. Become friends first. Agree to wait. Be firm and intentional here. Sex should be discussed up front. Limits and boundaries should be crystal clear. If a person will not respect your boundaries here, he or she has impulse control or integrity issues and will likely not respect your boundaries in other areas. If a person consistently violates your boundaries or continually pushes your limits, terminate the relationship. If you do not, not only will you lose their respect, but your own as well.

If you are currently having sex with your partner, please stop. You are harming yourself and the relationship. Sex tends to “rush” relationships, not allowing time for two people to really get to know one another. If you are currently co-habitating, one of you should move out. If that is not possible immediately, then move into separate bedrooms and stop having sex. Co-habituation clearly decreases remarriage success because it emphasizes relationship without commitment. Also, be clear on this, God has forgiven your past. No matter how sexually active you have been in the past, or how many broken relationships you have had, God can heal, forgive and restore you. Please do not continue to have sex out of guilt, shame or fear. Sex will never lead to the intimacy you desire.

Sexuality can drive us into relationships in a sinful context. Many individuals tell us they have become sexual or contemplated moving in with a partner as a way of determining sexual compatibility. Their reasoning is that knowing if they are compatible before marriage will lessen the chance of divorce in the future. In our experience, sexual compatibility is an overblown concept. In over twenty-five years of counseling couples, Jeff has seen very few cases of true sexual incompatibility. Two human beings that deeply love each other can be sexually compatible. Sex is a powerful way to deepen love between two people and enhance their relationship. It is also a powerful way to hurt when it is experienced in the wrong context. While sex creates a powerful bonding, it does not necessarily create love. In fact, it often does the opposite. Many men, for example, begin to have a lower view of their partners once they are having sex with then. Again, the facts refute this anti-abstinence argument. Women who live with their boyfriends are many times more likely to be physically abused than married women. The statistics on cohabitation are overwhelming and compelling—it actually increases the chances of divorce. A strong commitment to God and to one another is still the best hedge we know against divorce.

Find an individual or group who can encourage you and to whom you will be accountable. If you are struggling in this area, talk to a pastor or counselor. If you feel you have a sexual disorder contact a physician. If you struggle with sexuality issues due to past abuse, please contact a professional trained in abuse counseling.

Personal Sexuality Checklist
 How comfortable am I with my sexuality?
 Am I operating with faulty beliefs about sex from childhood?
 Do I feel good about my body?
 Do I struggle with self-acceptance?
 Is sex without love okay for me?
 What role do I want sex and relationships to play in my life at this time?
 What are my values regarding sexual relationships and where do they come from (family, church, friends, media)?
 How well do my values and behavior match up?
 Will a decision to engage in a sexual relationship with my partner at this time enhance/detract from my positive feelings about me and my partner?
 Can I talk about sex with my partner, my support group, and my friends?
 Can I acknowledge my feelings and consider them an authentic part of me?
 Can I recognize my vulnerabilities?
 Am I open to learning about sexuality?
 Can I be authentic in my relationships with other?
 Can I articulate my sexual boundaries and expectations?
 Do I understand the distinction between sex and love?
 Do I fear that my partner might leave if I am not physical?
 Are there unresolved issues from my past that I have not addressed?
 Am I able to trust those close to me?
 Am I taking great care of myself?
 Do I feel vulnerable or defensive around members of the opposite gender?
 Am I clear on God’s view of sexuality?
 Can I view celibacy as a gift and an opportunity?
 Do I sabotage relationships because of a fear of intimacy?

Talk about these questions with a friend, counselor, pastor, accountability partner, sponsor or your support group.

God made sex and He made us sexual beings. He made sex to be a source of pleasure and unity. God did not design sex such that by its avoidance we would grow closer to Him. Sex has meaning beyond itself—it is a gift that reflects the very essence of God. Sexual relationships between a man and a woman should be based on mutuality.

You can read more about relationships in InStep’s Developing Healthy Relationships.

Ministering to Single-Parent Families

Single-parents are a family
“Singleness” is not their primary identity. Most single-parents struggle more with parenting issues than single adult issues. We must recognize and acknowledge the family aspect of single parenting and develop programs and interfaces that will help them to be the most effective parents they can be. Consequently, we want to integrate them into every aspect of church life.

Overcoming stereotypes (myths)
• The typical “single adult" is a never-married individual, without children—(This overlooks those who are separated, divorced or widowed).
• Single adults are unreliable, irresponsible, immature and spoiled. (Single parents are the hardest workers we know).
• Single events or even Sunday School classes are simply social clubs or “meat markets”. (Single parents are looking for places to connect and feel welcome).
• Single adults and single-parents cannot serve the church or community. (God has gifted every one of us for service)

Healthy mentoring
Single parents do not want to be seen as broken and in need of fixing. They want and need a helping hand, not a handout. They are isolated and overwhelmed and need friendship and fellowship. If a single parent needs support, we can connect them to mentoring friendships—or involve them in parent support groups made up of both singles and couples.

Integrate single parents with couples
We must connect single parents to the body; they should not be singled out or isolated. Programs, events, etc. should focus on connection, not partitioning or isolation. Single parents don’t need to be quarantined.

Be sensitive to their pain
Death, separation, divorce, abandonment, etc. have a huge impact on single parents. Issues such as trust, guilt, shame, anger, bitterness, loneliness, or fear are common. Grieving and healing-for both adults and children- takes time.

Financial pressures
Single parents need assistance from time to time and help with financial management. We must not patronize, enable or parent them.

Terminology
We must become sensitive to “family friendly” terms that might shame or separate. “Father/son” or “mother/daughter” can be hard words to fatherless or motherless children and their single parents. Using more inclusive terms can soften that emotional blow, and be less exclusive or shaming.

Sensitivity and awareness of custody arrangements
There are legal issues involved, as well as logistical issues such as attendance at events, permission slips or which parent to call in the case of a medical emergency. Friday nights and Sunday nights are often transition times for children and hectic or stressful times for single parents.

Acknowledgement
We can affirm single-parents publicly. Say kind things about them to their kids—they don't have another parent in their homes to encourage them. Many single parents feel overwhelmed and under-appreciated.

Paraclete ministry
We can come alongside their children. We have an opportunity to be a significant voice in the life and development of a young person. The children of single parents need someone trustworthy to look up to as they try to sort out their own gender issues without the benefit of both parents. We must also model healthy relationships and marriages to children (and adults) who may no longer believe in “happily ever after.” Single parents want more than just “childcare” for their children at church. They want a program that reaches them too.

Sounding board ministry
Single parents have unique issues with their children. They need people to really listen and care as they vent their emotions or seek input. They don't have spouses with whom to share the journey and are looking for people who are genuinely interested in their sons or daughters and willing to be part of the conversation.

They have some unique issues
Finances, childcare, transportation, meal; preparation, home and care repairs, doctor visits, friendships, no time for self, overload, children’s activities, etc.

Church as family
The promise of Scripture is that God will be “father to the fatherless, “defender of widow” and will set the lonely in families (Psalm 68:5-6). James reminds us that authentic faith calls for us to care for widows and orphans (today’s single-parent homes). Our churches must be part of the family system that God is providing the single parents in our care. We can start by affirming single parents as legitimate, contributing members of that family.

Ministry Principles

Be practical
Make ministry simple, easy and affordable. Start small. Focus on kids. Feed them. Provide transportation. Meet physical needs.

Provide training
How to understand the needs and care for the divorced, separated, widowed and single-parent families in your congregation and community.

Separate recovery from single-parent family ministry
Not all single parents are in crisis; mistake to assume that every single parent is in dire need of recovery classes and healing. While you want to offer programs such as DivorceCare and other grief recovery classes, it is important to separate that from your single-parent ministry.

Encourage purpose
• Single parents need to know that they have purpose. Even if life hasn’t gone according to plan, they have a tremendous amount to give. They’ve grieved some type of loss, they’ve learned to cope financially, and they’ve dealt with diapers and temper tantrums. They’ve fixed plumbing and put together toys with too many parts. In the midst of their survival, they have gained skills that can make a difference in the lives of others.
• Point out the unique strengths that single parenting can develop. Take your class through a course on purpose and passion; help them discover how God has equipped them. Be passionate. Be enthusiastic. Remind them of their value and watch what God does.

Invite participation
• Start small, but encourage single parents in your community to get involved. Allow them to include the children, but invite them to participate.
• Don’t assume parents should be left alone, that they have too much on their plate. They also have a God-given need to use their gifts to help others. Help them start this process by extending the invitation.

Focus on service
• The best way to build a healthy ministry group is to serve someone else in need.
• Volunteer service will build a sense of purpose and joy in the single-parent community but it will also give the children a solid example of how important it is to give to the world around them.
• Purpose and service are vital to a healthy single-parent family ministry.

How to Begin to Minister to Single Parents?
The first step is prayer-that God would give us a healthy vision of connecting to and caring for this courageous group of people.

• Broaden the definition of single adult to include those never married, separated, divorced, widowed as well as single parents of all ages.
• Use language that appeals to the unmarried adult who may not identify with the term family. For example, call “Family Night Supper” Church Fellowship Supper instead.
• Compile a list of unmarried adults, taking a needs and interest survey to better understand actions your church can take to involve and minister with single people.
• Develop focus groups to determine needs.
• Use pulpit illustrations that are single-friendly and not only applicable to traditional families.
• Provide training for staff on how to understand the needs of single-parents and how to care for the divorced, separated, widowed and single parent families in your congregation and community.
•Help single adults discover their spiritual gifts and find places of service in the body.
•Find ways to interface with the single adults in your community. The majority are unchurched.
•Recognize the contributions of singles in your church.
•Create fellowship and connection opportunities.

SINGLE PARENT RESOURCES

PROGRAMS

Great Lessons for Single Parent Family Ministry by Terrill Williams. Workbook series. Mend Ministries. Call 1-888-872-1293 to order.

Jesus-Your Magnificent, Significant Other by Linda Barnes. InStep Ministries. Eight-lesson workbook. Leaders Guide. Call 1-888-5INSTEP to order.

Just Me and the Kids by Schiller, Barbara. Single Ministry Resources, David C. Cook 1994 Director’s handbook, Leaders guide and Study Guide. Complete kit is $250. Call 1-800-323-7543 to order. www.sinlgeparentfamilyresources.com

Hearts on the Mend by Judy Carver. Excellent material for children. Packages for Directors and Group Leaders. To order call 1-951-738-9772. (jcarver01@comcast.net)

One Parent Plus Kids by Teresa McKenna. Twelve-week program. Call 1-425-177-8494 to order.

Single Parent Ministry Training Manual by Larry Burkett and Brenda Armstrong. Crown Ministries. Contact Brenda at Mercy Tree Ministries. www.mercytree.org/

*Single Parenting That Works by Kevin Leman. Video Series and workbook. Call 1-8000-371-5248 to order.

Tapestry Series by Don & Jenetha Partridge. Workbook series, Institute of Family Research and Education. www.fire.org

Single Parent Family Ministry Kit by the Mobilized to Serve organization. The kit consists of an audiocassette tape, a 3-ring binder, and a book entitled, Children of Divorce by Jim and Barbara Dycus. For more information, contact: C.H.I.P.S., Elim Fellowship, 7245 College St., Lima, NY 14485. Telephone: (716) 582-2790.

SINGLE PARENT BOOKS

Brenda Armstrong. The Single Mom’s Workplace Survival Guide.
Brenda Armstrong. Financial Relief for Single Parents.
Larry Burkett and Brenda Armstrong. Every Single Cent: Financial Guide for Single Adults.
William Cutler. Single Parents Flying Solo.
Greg Cynaumon. Helping Single Parents with Troubled Kids: Ministry Resource for Pastors & Youth Workers.
Suzanne Jones. Working with Single Parents.
Norman Jordan. Ministry of Single Parenting.
Theresa Mckenna. The Hidden Mission Field.
Sue Nilson and Andy Morgan. Starting a Single Adult Ministry.
Jeff and Judi Parziale. Developing Healthy Relationships
Jeff and Judi Parziale. Through a Child’s Eyes.
Bobbie Reed. The Single Parent Journey.
Bobbie Reed (Ed.). The Baker Handbook for Single Parent Ministry.
Gary Richmond. Successful Single Parenting .
Janet Robson. Growing as a Single Parent.
Tom Whiteman. Fresh Start for Single Parents.

SINGLE PARENT WEBSITES

Center for Single Parent Family Ministry: www.spfm.org (Gary Sprague)
Changing Family Ministries: www.changingfamiles.com (Tom and Helen Wheeler)
DivorceCare for Kids: www.DC4K.org (Linda Ranson-Jacobs)
Mercy Tree Ministries: www.mercytree.org (Brenda Armstrong)
InStep Ministries: www.instepministries.com (Jeff and Judi Parziale)